Les Mémoires
"Don’t hold me in your sorrow,
Please don’t cry for me,
I am where I need to be.
The Angels brought me here,
And they are always near.
You gave me all your love,
And brought it up above.
I feel it everyday,
I am not that far away.
Please don’t cry those tears,
Or waste away your years.
God has work for you,
There is something you must do.
God’s message will be clear,
When the time is near.
Just hold me in your hearts,
We will never be apart.
The Angels love me like you do,
And they take good care of me.
So don’t worry and don’t be sad,
I will be waiting at Heaven's Gate"
| Mommy Loves |
Happy Birthday my Elijah Kutten! |
November 9, 2012 |
I thought I wouldn't get a chance to write to you on your website as the system was down,but it's working even though few hours are left for this special day. God is love. It was November 8th in the evening around 6 pmtime after ur father and I went to our dr. Appointment and doc said its time for your baby to come out, are you guys ready! So much confusion during this time because you didn't want to come out and we didn't want you to be forced... so after talking to our family and friends, we thought it was for the best and we agreed to see our baby Elijah face to face! We were soo excited. I had soo much excitement, but I was afraid to show it because im forcing baby to come out. But Then in the back of my head, couldn't wait to hold you soo bad, sorry baby!
When I got admitted in the labor and delivery room, settled in, it was between 7 and 8pm. I realized this is it! I'm here, I'm gonna be a mom soon! I thought about my mom for a few minutes how she delivered 4 of us, and welcoming us into this world, praying and hoping to be a good mom...I missed my family that day....My mom & dad was really sad, they werent there to see their little girl become a mommy for the first time.
I began to miss her more and more esp. some unhappy people were sitting in my room. The person that was supposed to shower me with love, hugs& kisses had to pay attention to someone elses matters. Never understood it all, i just thought, can I please have some joy, is there anyone there to make me feel good? I sucked it all in because I wasn't gonna let anyone take way the those moments of joy I knew I'll never have..
I remember smiling and being happy, I waited for soo long, all those sleepless nights, more nights just sitting and sleeping on the toilet, all is gonna be worth it! The very first pain I felt, I remember screaming for my life. I cried for my mom. Then I asked for the medication. So the injection and pain at the same time was unbearable. It felt like a sharp knife going through my body, and I cried like crazy. I had the best nurse I could possible have. She put her whole body around me like an angel wrapping her wings around my body and told me, "just hold me tight, it's gonna be ok, I'm here for you". My almighty father decreased my pain until I felt nothing, just as the drug should feel. No pain felt after that through the entire delivery. Your father and the nurse helped me to push Elijah out and I felt strong, confident, happy, everything is ok and perfect.
At exactly 2am you came out. Though I was exhausted when you came out, I couldn't help myself peek through all bodies of nurses and doctors getting you all fixed up. I knew you were soo beautiful from far away. Your tiny moment of cry was soothing. Once you were all ready to be held by mommy, you looked at me as you were waiting to see me more than I was waiting to see you. I gave so many kisses, hugs, told you mommy loves you soo much! You had beautiful eyes and soo curious, you were looking at everything, it was soo amazing. God was planning everything. There was something extraordinary about you. You were tiny, but you had a big face, and glare, stared like a big kid.. You smiled and you started to make sucking noises with your mouth like you were mature enough to tell me everything you wanted. I have helped and taken care of babies before, but I never saw a baby like this. Doctors and nurses told me you were perfect, except u were just a little. Nothing was abnormal when you came out. I was soo relieved to know that. I thanked God a million times. I thought you looked just like me that day:) but you were a combination of both of us. Then after your father's family saw you and spend happy moments with you, then nurse wanted to take you to the nursery to examine you more, give you your first bath and all that. The doctor and nurses wanted me resting, I didn't care to rest. I could hold you all night. The time was around 4am in the morning when I came to the mother baby unit. The nurse asked me do u want to keep the baby in your room in the night, I said yes, but your father and nurse insisted I needed rest so the nurse kept you in the nursery. At 6am nurse came by to offer me pain meds, and I asked for my baby to be brought to me. I couldn't wait to just talk to you , give million kisses again. My body would not rest until I held I you. I waited my whole life for this. I couldn't believe it, I still can't knowing I became a mother. It was dark and though your father snoring took all the sound, I sang to you twinkle twinkle little star.Not once you cried, I started taking pictures and sending to my family, friends., Facebook! I was crazy happy...the miracle of my life, the love that was born to me, the only love God's plan for me, I felt I won't be sad anymore because my Elijah is gonna be give me hope. I thought so far and so ahead of life:). He will become a good man, then I have to let him go as a mom should. I imagined everything during those moments I shared that night. He stared at me, gave me smiles and laughs here and there. I knew he was gonna be a good boy as he was for two months. God used me to bring an angel to come down and shine across the earth for a few months. I was soo blessed.
After spending the night and day at the hospital. All day watching you, feeding, learning to be a new mom, telling everyone the good news, I just wanted to take you home! Then we got ready to go home the next morning, photographer came in to take pictures! I had put on a blue outfit with matching hat, socks that were so big on you, & mittens..you looked so cute..you posed for the pictures, didn't cry but smiled..I was soo happy! That morning it snowed as we were just about to leave the hospital. A sign that was planned by God which was to come later to show his wonderful love and that he is watching over us! All the joy I had after that was just amazing. I have difficult time thinking about it soo much because it makes me cry.
Some people never understood that precious love. That love was to last forever in the heart of a man, his purpose was to change all the bitterness, pride and ego. Love never ever gives up. On earth people should fight for love until it kills them to the very end, the end of death. As christ died for his people. He stood up when you can't, he loved when no one would, he understands every pain, and is close to the broken hearted. He chases us when we lose touch of him. We may wonder why all these things happen because there is soo much greatness yet to come because of Jesus.
Elijah as you turned 1 yr old in heaven, I miss you like never before, I love you with my heart and soul. My heart aches knowing your not here to share this moment.
I know Jesus has made this day for you soo special up there, I can only imagine...just one yr ago he made you to be on earth for a little bit and touch souls. my wish as always to be with you one day, and share a birthday with you. I don't know how much longer I can wait cause I struggle with that...but I have to. I give you million hugs and kisses from earth and tears of love, hope, peace, and joy. Wishing you My sweet baby boy, Happy Birthday!!!!
"I close my eyes and I see your face..."
Blow a wish!luv you kutta! Happy Birthday!!!
Love Always, Umma...
Mommy
Think about things that are in heaven. Don't think about things that are on earth. (Colossians 3:2 NIRV)
| Mommy Loves |
A poem from heaven. Thank you, baby... |
October 23, 2012 |
"My mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But, I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand,
she does not know that I am with her, to help her understand.
But, like the sands on the beach, that never wash away,
I watch over my surviving mom who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others,...a smile of disguise,
but through heaven's doors, I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death, to keep my memory alive,
but anyone who knows her, knows it's just a way for her to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mother through Heaven's door.
I try to tell her that angels watch over me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her, or ease the burden that she bears,
so if you get a chance please go visit her and show her that you care.
No matter what she says, no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal."
But A Moment
"You'll always be my child-I think of you each day,
Even though you must remain so very far away.
A love as strong as this, I've never felt before;
But you had to go away-up through heaven's door.
You'll never have to suffer, or feel pain or hate,
just peace and love and happiness-
God has given you this fate.
I hope that you can feel just how much I care;
And, When my days are over, in a flash-I will be there.
Pure unbounding joy! We'll never have to part.
You'll be right by my side-And not just in my heart.
But, until that day, when my dream is real-
I think I understand, just how I should feel...
"Mom, I am fine!" this must be what you would say-
"Please don't be so sad, we'll meet again one day:
I'm with God above - so don't cry for me,
Our parting is but a moment compared to eternity."
What my child has taught me
I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice.
I've learned that friends can become strangers, and strangers can become friends.
I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for the lack of compassion.
I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it".
I've learned that the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.
I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But so is love.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-17
English Standard Version (ESV)
The Coming of the Lord
13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.15 For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 Forthe Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first.17 Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.
| Mommy Loves |
Thank you for watching over me.., |
September 12, 2012 |
I thank the Lord for these verses he opened to me this morning.
"He has given us new birth so that we might share in what belongs to him. It is a gift that can never be destroyed. It can never spoil or even fade away. It is kept in heaven for you. Through faith you are kept safe by God's power. Your salvation is going to be completed. It is ready to be shown to you in the last days. Because you know this, you have great joy. You have joy even though you may have had to suffer for a little while. You may have had to suffer sadness in all kinds of trouble. Your troubles have come in order to prove that your faith is real. It is worth more than gold. Gold can pass away even though fire has made it pure. Your faith is meant to bring praise, honor and glory to God. That will happen when Jesus Christ returns."(1 Peter 1:4-7)
I cried out to God with mercy and thanksgiving. Thank you my loving God for giving me hope and joy today. I'm soo honored. I hope to share my life with all those who feel hurt and heartbroken.. God loves us, & never give up. "Jesus, you carry me" because i'm nothing without you. Elijah, thank u for being there for mommy. Thanks for being my sweet angel. "
My God is good to all those who love him. In everything he teaches and makes us understand and we just have to keep our soul pure. And he guides us in everything if your heart is good. God showed me through my life what it means to be his child and having God's grace and mercy. I'm gonna continue staying faithful to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. "whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes"...
I love you my God and my Elijah soo much.
| Mommy Loves |
Happy 10 months Elijah Kutten! |
September 9, 2012 |
Happy 10th month Birthday!
Elijah my sweet baby boy, I'm
Longing to hold you again.
I love you and miss you soo much.
Jesus has you safe in his arms.
And the light which God shines u from
Heaven touches my soul and brings peace.
Todays Daily Verse from YouVersion!
You also became believers in Christ. That happened when you heard the message of truth. It was the good news about how you could be saved. When you believed, he marked you with a seal. The seal is the Holy Spirit that he promised. The Spirit marks us as God's own. We can now be sure that someday we will receive all that God has promised. That will happen after God sets all of his people completely free. All of those things will bring praise to his glory. (Ephesians 1:13, 14)
My song for you today...
"MORE"
Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me
Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one
[Chorus]I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me
And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone
[Chorus]I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more
Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me
[Chorus]I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
[Chorus]Than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you, yesterday and today
Through the joy and the pain
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more
And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me
| Mommy Loves |
Hurt and healer collides... |
August 24, 2012 |
So do not be afraid. I am with you. Do not be terrified. I am your God. I will make you strong and help you. My powerful right hand will take good care of you. I always do what is right. (Isaiah 41:10)
"The Hurt & The Healer"
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
I love and I love being loved... I was given an angel from God as a gift to tell it all. I will never stop telling about love because my heart only knows how to love and its the truth, and those who know my heart knows that...Today I write about Love as always.. After all that I am going through... I see love more than ever all around me constantly. ..Giving me hope that true love never fails, never leaves your side. True love, that brings tears into your eyes.
A patient I took care of this week I can never forget. A beautiful women, been blind all her life, struggling to live from heart failure..her handsome husband tells me we've been married for 37 yrs with tears in his eyes, looking at her and telling me how much he loves her. Right by her side holding her, loving her. as my heart was pounding for them, my tears flowed and I held back the river. God always shows me the amazing, especially now that I am hurt and heartbroken. He tells me every moment that's my love that you just saw. That's the Love you need and you must wait for. Your heart and the feeling you cannot live without.
God is making me learn more about the heart nowadays he has a purpose for it all. He showed me the heart from the outside but now I see the heart from the inside. God is my heart working really hard to make feel better each day. I'm glad God sits on my heart during my unbearable days and I feel better as each day ends. Though flutters are bad, I enjoy that feeling more than ever when I am happy.
My heart yearns for you my God and my Baby. I love you my angel and my Father.
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even if he dies. " (John 11:25)
"I Can Only Imagine"
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you.
| Mommy Loves |
Happy Nine Months Birthday! I love you. |
August 9, 2012 |
Your nine months! Mommy gives you nine kisses and hugs and a few extra. Baby, you have reached many milestones by now. oh my sweet Kutta I long to see your happiness.
"As the roses slowlyn die
My lonely life slips by and by
You're not here to see me through
If only I could be with you
Your little fingers and tiny toes
Matched your precious little nose
How I ache to hold you close
My sweet baby boy, I miss you the most
You are there and I am here
How I wish you were near
Soon I will be with you
And we start a life anew
Just remember this is always true
Mommy loves her baby blue
Goodbye my sweet child, kisses too
Mommy loves and misses you"
This song has been playing in my head all week and I thought I share and sing it for you.
"10,000 Reasons "
Bless the Lord, oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name
The sun comes up
It's a new day dawning
It's time to sing your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the Lord, oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worshhip your holy name
You're rich in love and you're slow to anger
Your name is great and your heart is kind
For all your goodness I will keep on singing
10,000 reasons for my heart to find
Bless you Lord!
Bless the Lord, oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Soon my soul will sing your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more
Bless the Lord, oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name
Bless the Lord, Oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name "
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name.
Happy nine months! I love you my sweet Prince and miss you soo much...
| Mommy Loves |
Remembering you and others... |
July 25, 2012 |
I often come here to share my thoughts and feelings, it helps me to feel better, some of my conversations I would of had with you if were here on earth.
Elijah, I know you met Jon, Matt, and Alex already because their life is a true meaning of sacrificial love. Love so innocent and pure like u my baby. I always say, when someone is hurting, you don't hurt them more, instead, you shield them and protect them under your wings, just like Jesus.
Many won't care who they are or what they done...
1 John 3:16 This is how we know what love is:Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.
I give praise to you and all those who made their mark on earth for a great purpose. these ordinary people,ordinary life, making a difference.
These peoples story touched me, "Besides all being in the wrong place at the wrong time on the morning of July 20, Jansen Young, Samantha Yowler and Amanda Lindgren have one other thing in common: each was saved from James Holmes’ murderous rampage by their loving, heroic boyfriends.
Young, Yowler and Lindgren all survived the Batman Movie Massacre this past Friday because their boyfriends jumped on top of them and used their own bodies to shield them from the gunfire. That act of courageousness came at a cost, though, as Jon Blunk, Matt McQuinn and Alex Teves all wound up losing their own lives in the process.
“He’s a hero, and he’ll never be forgotten,” a tearful Jansen Young told the New York Daily News of Blunk. “Jon took a bullet for me.”
Her mother, Shellie Young, added: “He was loving, the kind of guy you want your daughter to be with, and ultimately, she’s alive because of this, because he protected her.”"
I post this to your memorial site because mommy can relate to loss and those who died to save others lives.
Love like this needs to be remembered forever. These man had the Love Of God during chaos,the most saddest time one can go through, and they performed a simple act, saving them. Saving a life by risking your own is what God wants. People sometimes only love through words, the right way to love is by actions, ultimate sacrificial Act. These men being there, wrapping their heart, mind, body, and soul around those hurt. Some of us will say, of course that's what I would do if we are in a situation like this, it's true, but God can only make it happen if the soul is pure and innocent.
May their souls rest in peace and families have the strength to go on to see them one day and be with Christ.
Elijah, I'm soo sorry mommy was at work and i couldn't save you during your last few hours on earth. You died for a purpose. You were a good baby any mom wished to have. You loved me soo much, not once you cried in my arms, you always smiled and watched as I did everything, talked to u, sing to u. 9 months i carried you inside of me and God kept you safe. I tried my best to be a good mom, i wasn't perfect and a lot of times it was a battle groun, nevr understood that, when it should be a time for love, peace, & care, for u and me. I still remember going for doctor appointments alone. I remember you were 5 months inside of me and i was driving one day after work, past 1 am, and a truck speeding nearly hit my car and God rescued us by quickly changing lanes, and my car almost hit the wall. I never been soo frightened for your safety. My balance was always off nearly fell so many times at work. Even when i could barely walk from all the swelling, I still went to work. God kept you safe inside of me no matter what. He never let you get hurt. The two months I had with you, I did everything, what a new mom would do. I hated to go to work leaving you. My time that i had with you, i never left your side except when people came over and i completely let you go to spend time with your loved ones. When i was with u, i watched you every second of my breath, I had you in my arms when I took naps after working nights. I slept only hearing your breath. When I cooked I made sure your face was turned towards me so I can see what you were doing. I could still remember my God waking me up to every noise and everything. A mothers instinct of her new born baby. When others told me dont hold you all the time, I wouldn't because I couldn't imagine my life without you. Being a nurse, my job is to help save lives. It hurts me badly when I didn't get a chance to save the one only mine. The guilt I carry kills my heart. Sadly, I am continually being tortured and killed with words and pure evil thoughts. My enemies don't know what I go through each day without you. I cannot even think about my days with you, cause it hurt soo bad. The only peace i get is knowing your in the safest place, with Jesus, how can I complain about that. Only cause of God love and grace making this heart of mine pump, my heart otherwise already died with you. I have to continue living a life standing up for Christ, and not failing when life crashes.I have to see you again, even if it will kill me.
I love you with my heart and soul. A life given is a gift from God, it becomes part of ones soul.
I know your hurt for me as much as I am hurt I don't have you here with me. Your trying hard to remind me you are where your supposed to be, and your with me wherever I go. Love is pure, gentle, always giving hope when it's gone.
Missing you my baby boy.
| Mommy Loves |
My dazzling mirror ball in the sky.. |
July 9, 2012 |
Happy 8th month birthday! As months go faster and your getting older in heaven, talking and laughing soo much, mommy is missing you soo badly. I see you shine through my window, especially when I'm soo sad. And as I stare, though it's the sun for everyone, to me it's a dazzling light, shaped like a mirror ball. Then it glows as if it is covered with pure crystals, and it shines in different shapes and colors. Then it gets soo big, I can touch it. Then through the dazzling light, there are rays which shoot through this mirror ball of different colors, especially color gold. Then it gives a grungie appearance. After sometime it becomes smaller and smaller, until I can't see it no more. This is how I know your watching me, because this is what I see when I cry. Then I pause and my body rests so the pain is touched and my heart heals. No one understands this except you, me , and God. It's a cycle I know, until we meet again.
Today is a very special day for me.. I'm very grateful to God for all the blessings in my life but especially for the two blessings today. After all that I have gone through, the love from above remains. Love is forever and it Never fails. This is the way to Love, as God loves 1 Corinthians 13:1-13.
As I started this new day, on my way, the radio played the song, "My hope is in You". And Nothing else I needed in my heart right then as my new life begins, my sweet Elijah, letting me know that your always with me. I cried with sweet wishes and dreams to one day to thank God for it all.
God you are the sky and Elijah you are my dazzling mirror ball in the sky. I wait for you both, I love you both soo much.
Today I wanted to leave you a note. Now a days I try not to think about you soo much, so I don't have those silent tears, I'm sorry... Though I have gotten more stronger, stronger than i'll ever be, i wish days would just move faster to get to you. I miss you soo much when I see babies and little children. I wish for the laughter, calling mommy, saying I love you all that good stuff every mom gets to hear. I miss you soo much when I go to the store and I imagine you'd be here so I can dress you in all those clothes, buy you toys, and books. Though mommy gets soo sad sometimes, I know your with me, holding onto mommy. Mommy was soo hurt and bruised for sometime and now mommy is ok and in a better place. I know God and You didn't want me to be hurt more than Mommy was already. Mommy won't give up and will keep on going, I know that's what you want me to do. I'm thankful for all the love and support I've been getting from heaven down to earth especially this month for mommy. God is love and everything he does has meaning and purpose. Elijah, my kuttappee,I cannot wait to be with you.
always love,
mommy
| Mommy Loves |
Happy 7 months My Baby Elijah! I miss you. |
June 9, 2012 |
"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.
We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"
Revelation 21:1-22:21
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
| Mommy Loves |
Thank You Elijah For My 1st Mother's Day! |
May 13, 2012 |
Elijah, I carried you for nine months and for 2 months I was able to take care of you as a mother would. Thank You God for the loving opportunity. I treasured every moment I had you Elijah. I Love You Baby. Though your in heaven, I'm thankful to God for my first Mother's Day. Without you it's hard, but I know I'll get a chance one day for this special day. Your cousin Sarah chechi gave me a very special Mother's Day Card, a beautiful plant, a rose from the kids from church, and ate a special cupcake made by your auntie christina. I ate it, remembering you. Only cause of you...Thank you Baby.
Your six months now baby! You're crawling and eating rice & curry:)..Oh My Elijah Kutta, I long to see you, hold you, & love you like crazy. I'm runnning out of words to write to you cause I desperately just want to see you. I wish I could count my days to see you in heaven...But, it's ok I'll do whatever you want me to do to see you again. I'll wait and go through anything and everything thrown at me to hold you again. You keep reminding in my thoughts and dreams of heaven and it's beauty, our glorious Lamb of God how it will shine soo bright on us when we unite again. I can't wait for that day when the innocent and pure love will be shown...all my tears was all worth waiting for. So until then baby, please push me not to give up and continue to allow me to experience things I never did and had before this life ends. I know your already doing that for me and I thank you. I miss you and Love you soo much. Happy Birthday to my Angel!
Yours only,Mommy
| Mommy Loves |
I Close My Eyes & Think Of You. |
April 26, 2012 |
"When another day has ended
And everything's been said and done
And the lights across the valley
All go out one by one
I close my eyes, I close my eyes and think of you
I close my heavy eyes and that's all I need to do
Sometimes when I get a moment
In the middle of the day
And nothing else needs my attention
I take my chance and slip away
I close my eyes, I close my eyes and think of you
I close my heavy eyes and that's all I need to do
I hear the big trucks changing gears
As they go rolling by my door
The driver counts his days 'til he gets home
If I could only count my days
But I just don't know what's in store
I've been so long on my own
I know there's a singing river
I've heard about the golden shore
But I would pass by all that beauty
Just to be with you once more
I close my eyes, I close my eyes and think of you
I close my heavy eyes and that's all I need to do
I close my weary eyes and that's when I think of you."
| Mommy Loves |
Mommy misses u on my birthday... |
April 2, 2012 |
Today is mommy's birthday. I wished you were here to celebrate with me. I dreamed about this day... Wanted to tell you the only gift I needed is you..u my most precious blessing God has ever given me. But your in heaven leaving mommy alone here.....words cannot explain wat I feel....i have gone through everything..i walked through fire. .i don't know why all this happened.. But I know one thing Elijah ur passing had a purpose..I know u helped me to be free..I love you.
Today was a graceful day.. Thank you. Family and friends called, texted, & gave me lots of wishes esp. ur aunt jaicy far away. I received soo much love, I got cards and presents, your aunt Joicy cooked a great meal. Your ammichi and appachan made me smile big today. Had visit from your aunt nissy. Played basketball with your cousins Ryan and Noble. Played with Jessica. Jincy aunty, Jude& Sarah, your cousins, came with big huge letters saying how much they love me. I want to show them all to u one day. Friends and family wishes and continues to pray. I wish I can individually thank each one but you know who they all are. Plz God keep them all under your wings as they all care about me soo much. Baby, I can't wait to talk to u all about it. I can't wait to just cry and you wiping away all my tears. I miss u soo much. I love you my kuttapee.
I Luv you Jesus, my savior for this birthday and giving me Elijah. I hope I get to see you and be with you both. Let me continue always putting my trust, faith, & hope in you my Lord. Cause you made me stronger. I also continue to pray that I always stand up for you wherever I go & watever I do.
Psalm 116: 1-19
My Angel, if I had one more moment with you I would sing and dance to you to this song "When We're Together" by Mark Harris. I miss holding you and dancing with you. I miss you soo much, I love you kutta.
"When We're Together"
I'd like to sail to lands afar Out on a boat that's built for two Beneath a canopy of stars That would be just like a dream come true Just to be with you
And oh, oh, oh, ohhh When we're together Oh, oh, oh, ohhh Feels like forever
Worries seem to fade away As they become as distant memories When we're together
I'd like a castle on a hill Where you and I could spend the day And I'd love to go where time stands still And all that doesn't matter fades away You are here with me
And oh, oh, oh, ohhh When we're together Oh, oh, oh, ohhh Feels like forever
Worries seem to fade away As they become as distant memories When we're together
And I'd love to Dance with you Under the big blue sky We'd hold the Wonder of the moment As the moment passes by
When we're together
And oh, oh, oh, ohhh When we're together Oh, oh, oh, ohhh
Oh, oh, oh, ohhh Feels like forever Oh, oh, oh, ohhh
| Mommy Loves |
Inspirational Poems to guide me to my baby. |
March 13, 2012 |
Two beautiful poems that were given to me by my friend Jaime, inspired me a lot. I'm soo humbled to have received these poems. I pray to God who gives me strength, I live a life pleasing my God and to make Baby Elijah proud. I hope not to dissapoint you baby.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, better cousin, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
- Author Unknown
The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ros
| Mommy Loves |
Today you turned 4months, Happy Birthday! |
March 9, 2012 |
Baby Elijah, today you would of been4 months old. I wonder what your doing up in heaven at 4months..you must be a big boy now...When you were here, you were growing soo fast that sometimes it scared me...i would read and research all day to make sure your fine..but now when I look back, everything about you and the things you did, all had a beautiful purpose...you taught me a lot baby..
I loved watching you sleep. You always laughed and chuckled soo much in your sleep and I'd used think, I hope all this milk didn't make you a crazy baby...but noo, you were really there..you were showing me that great Love.
I'm sure by now you can roll over, grab everything you can find, talk a lot, playing, &enjoying every moment with Jesus...I always see you soo happy...
Though mommy knows your in the safest place with your father..sorry God, but this mommy thinks selfish & wishes u'd just come back & stay here. I want to hold you soo badly. I miss you soo much Elijah kutten. There are soo many things I wished I had a chance to tell you and explain to you. And one day when you became a man you would of known what is really important in your life and no one had to tell you. God revealed it through The Word of God. Surprisingly, you came with that knowledge and so you left this earth teaching us instead.
Thank you. Thank you for loving me and caring about me. I know you continue to watch over me, even in my toughest days.
I don't know if you make birthday wishes in Heaven, if you can, I know you have soo many ..I hope one of your smallest wish is to see your mommy again. Happy Birthday My Angel In Heaven!
I love you Always,
Your mommy
| Mommy Loves |
My heart will always fly for you Elijah. |
March 3, 2012 |
My Song of the day, "My Heart Will Fly" by Mercy Me.
Why this happened i cannot explain why write the script with such heartache and pain could
there not have been an easier way watching life through this glass so faded i cannot see the
bigger picture taking place oh to understand one day.
[chorus]
My heart will Fly,
When i finally see you face to face and my tears will fly away, away.
It won't be long until we all go home with all things revealed and on that day we'll finally
know oh, as we are fully known. [back to chorus]
And what appears as incomplete is still completely Yours and one day we'll see as we've been
seen and we'll soar. [back to chorus]
| Aunt Jaicy |
Our Angel in Heaven, Elijah!! |
February 29, 2012 |
Our baby Elijah came to this world just for the season and a reason.... His heavenly father had a purpose with his life, and when it was time, he took him back home....
Baby Elijah was here to show the meaning of pure love... Love is all what he knew... He gave everyone happiness and love and he only accepted happiness and love, and he returned to his heavenly father...
It was most joyous moment when I found out that our Unni (nickname of Elijah's mommy) was pregnant with Elijah. I just couldn't wait to see baby Elijah out and about. After waiting the full term, baby Elijah came out even though he preferred to stay in his mommy's womb.
Elijah's uncle and I just couldn’t wait to see him, but it was difficult for us to see him right when he was born because of our circumstances at that time. But on the day of the Thanksgiving a totally unexpected event took place. As we were on the phone with our mom to wish each other Happy Thanksgiving Day; mom asked us what our plan was for the day, and us being lonely birds out and far from family, we had no plans. Mom then asked us why not join them at Elijah's home for thanksgiving... Without hesitation, my husband said ok, and I was shocked by the response because of the time, in our time zone, it was already 11am on Thanksgiving Day and we had about 5hrs drive from our home to Elijah's home. We both had work the very next day, but our hearts told us to go and we just got ready and left. We are forever grateful to God for this day, because God gave us the privilege to see our baby Elijah and God gave us the opportunity to hold him and play with him.
Baby Elijah connected with me right away. No matter where he was even from his mommy's arms he was looking at me. When I held him in my arms for the first time, something amazing happened. Yeah, baby Elijah gave me that wink!!! I felt bad that I couldn't capture that on my phone, so as he was lying in his bouncer, I asked baby Elijah” can you give me that wink one more time”, for the camera, and sure enough he gave it to me. Now, I have that image to cherish for life.... He made me laugh so much, I carried him throughout his house from room to room, and calling him sweet names, and now all I have are those cherished memories....
We had so many expectations, dreams, and hopes, but God had his purpose. The Saturday before God called our baby back, his mom and I were discussing so many dreams of our. His mom was saying how much she was waiting for him to take his first steps, and I responded time flies, and before you know it, he’ll be graduating high school!!! On that day she put the baby on the phone, and he and I had few baby lines back and forth, and I remember his mommy saying how much he’s laughing. She said, Jaicy, “You have to see this smile.” And I said you know we’re connected, and I still remember how much he was looking at me the day I visited him. Everyone said at that time, it maybe because his mommy and I look a lot alike, but us sister’s don’t think so!
We had the privilege to celebrate baby Elijah's first and the only thanksgiving here on earth, and we hold that to our hearts till we meet again. I hope to receive that wink when I see him in Heaven one day!!!
| Mommy Loves |
"My Hope Is, In You Lord." |
February 29, 2012 |
Elijah, all throughout the night, the radio was turned on, & K-Love played beautiful Christian songs. You enjoyed listening to music and going to sleep. You would not wake up or cry when you heard your favorite songs. One of your favorite and mine, a song that always happened to play every night, at the exact time, &just after 7pm was, "My Hope Is In You" by Aaron Shust.
"My Hope Is In You"I meet with You and my soul sings out
As your word throws doubt far awayI sing to You and my heart criesHoly!HallelujahFather, You're near!My hope is ,in You LordAll the day longI won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing
My hope is in You, Lord
I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace
I worship You and my heart cries Glory
Hallelujah
Father You're here!
My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing
My hope is in You, Lord
I will wait on You
You are my refuge
I will wait on You
You are my refuge
My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing
My hope is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord
Yeah
My hope is in You, Lord
| Mommy Loves |
Thank you for the strength today. |
February 28, 2012 |
Elijah, every time I get sad, you wipe my tears away...I look into your eyes, and things happen soo amazingly..ur constantly giving me strength when i fall... u cheer me on. Thank you soo much. I love you Elijah and I miss you.
Verses I read in the Bible that helped me today...
Luke 12:7
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Luke 13:24-30
24 “Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to.
25 Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, ‘Sir, open the door for us.’ “But he will answer, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from.’
26 “Then you will say, ‘We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.’
27 “But he will reply, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!’
28 “There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out. 29 People will come from east and west and north and south, and will take their places at the feast in the kingdom of God. 30 Indeed there are those who are last who will be first, and first who will be last.”
| Anju |
A bundle of Joy |
February 27, 2012 |
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of god that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans: 8:38-39
Justified: In Christ, God see's me..... Just as if I had never sinned. We're far more sinful than we realize.... But at the same time, in Christ we're far more loved and accepted than we could ever dare hope for.
To Jealousy had onto my dream of what I want to accomplish, experience, and enjoy is to guarantee that I will never experience true life... We have to let go... In calling you to your death. Christ is actually protecting you from death. It is only when you deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow your Lord that you begin to experience the transendent humanity for which you were created.
We talk about the things we treasure in our hearts. Thats why we talk about it so much. Elijah, we cry, whisper your name, think of you. Cause we treasure you so much baby. During those two months that you were here, you filled peoples heart with joy, warmth, and most of all adoration; that Chirst gave you to show people what pure love feels like. I hope your bouncing on Jesus's lap, laughing and smiling for him :) Also, Hopefully your existence can show us to influence our lives with positive, loving, moments with our loved ones. I love you baby Elijah
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